When I decided that I would get back into photography, I had no idea that I would also have to battle with something that I didn’t know I suffered from anymore: anxiety.
Upon my return to the hobby, I decided to head out to an industrial estate to snap some photos and see how it felt. I had a really great time and took some of my favourite photos along the way, but it wasn’t until I set my sights on going further afield that I felt a strange sensation. I planned to spend my day off work by going out and taking photos in Sheffield. I slept well the night before, but it wasn’t until I was getting ready to leave that I felt a heavy weight pulling me down, a force telling me not to go, and a mild panic attack followed.
Anxiety is something that I haven’t really experienced since my battle with depression over a decade ago, but I think that this round was brought on by the fact that a lot of my friends have moved away or have started families, whereas I just work and sleep, essentially. I didn’t have anyone to accompany me on my photo walks, which brought on a lot of doubt, self-deprecation, and false loneliness.
As I packed my bag, I continued to remind myself that I was used to my own company. Having been on stage for a large part of my adult life, I’m used to looking weird and acting like a goof. So, how is taking photos alone any different?
I continued to pack my bag, put on my shoes and a warm jacket, and did as I always do: I headed out alone. I fought with my anxiety, stealthily breathing it out until it went away, which was sometime after I caught the bus into the city. When I was around halfway into my journey, I realised that the anxiety had gone away, and I began to feel a lot better about the trip.
A week later, I decided to head back out to Sheffield again to get some more photos, and once more, anxiety kicked in. The same thing happened again, though; I breathed it out. I continued my additional journey and got over this strange anxiety that was trying to stop me from doing what I enjoy.
There is a part-falsehood in the fact that I don’t suffer from anxiety anymore, as I am terrified of learning to drive after being a passenger in two serious car accidents, one of which almost killed my grandma, requiring me to rip the car door off and drag her out of the wreckage. I guess this form of anxiety is more related to trauma, but the anxiety I have been feeling about going out is something that I haven’t experienced in over ten years and something which going to university helped cure back then.
I won’t let this strange anxiety defeat me. I will continue to ignore it and carry on with my solo photo walks until I meet some other friends or fellow photographers who want to tag along. If you’re interested, shoot me a line on Threads.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening to me prattle on about this. Writing posts like these always helps me feel better, even when nobody is reading them. Just having this space to vent can take a huge load off my back.
SB.P 